So I went to go hang out with friends today, but they never showed up. Some fucking friends they are. It just got worse from there. My mother and step-dad had gone out to socialize like me, and they actually have people to talk to and enjoy time with. They offered me to join them and wait till they were done to get home, but I didn't feel like being socially awkward for however many hours until they actually decided to leave. I fucking hate being in areas where I clearly don't belong nor want to be in. I'm sorry. I'm not at the point in life where I don't feel craptastic about not being in college, or for even having a life in the first place. I'm just a waste of space that no one really cares about here. So I had no ride, no money, and I was alone. So I walked home. The entire two hours back.
I began to ponder on how much of a failure I am and how it's not even worth trying to do anything in life, and that it's all a waste. Then my fear kicked in and I had a panic attack and started crying and I just... Yeah. I just don't see a point of living anymore when everything I do means nothing in the end, and I wish I wasn't so scared of dying. Yes, I'm agnostic. No, I don't believe in God, or anything else, but I want to believe there's something. Anything after this. This doesn't seem possible to me anymore. If there really was a God then there wouldn't be suffering and pain in this world. People would be happy and live on, and not have to deal with all of the pain that life brings. Being alive hurts me because I know it will end, and I don't want it to end. I don't want to..
I'm already crying and in hysterics even while typing that. I don't know. I've just had a lot of stress from other things and I've almost lost what mind I have left that's "sane". Everything's surfacing again. My fears. The memory of my mother crying. Feeling alone and helpless throughout my life. Being a failure. I try to ignore it but it always comes back. I just want it to end.
Anyway, trying to move on. When I got home I found the babysitter asleep on the couch and Layna on her bed. The babysitter's name was Karen. She was a bit older than me, so I felt slightly outranked whenever she was around. I try to be friendly to her on occasion. Personally, it's always awkward around her since this one time. I mentioned my door had no lock, right? Yeah. My mother had called Karen to pick up Layna from a half-day school one day, and I came home and found Layna playing outside unsupervised. She told me that Karen told her to play outside for a bit, so I go inside to see just what was going on.
Was I in for a shocker.
Going up to my room, I heard a scream coming from behind the door. So I open it, and let's just say I caught her with her pants down among other things. In my bed. On the phone. Karen had a boyfriend at the time, and I'm guessing she was feeling pretty lonely. Not an excuse to be fapping in my bedroom. Least not without me.
So yeah, awkward. I woke her up and she jumped out of her skin, nearly screaming before I put my mouth over her so she wouldn't wake up Layna. We both apologized and I walked her out to her car. I felt pretty bad because it was much later than I was expecting to get home, so gave her some extra money. Then of all the strangest things we embraced, and she kissed me on the lips. Just for that split moment I lost all my thoughts from earlier, completely distracted by her small, soft lips on mine. At that point I'm sure she realized what she just did and pushed me away from the car. Much as I enjoy rough play, tonight was a bad night. I headed back inside and gave her a wave before she left.
Now I'm here. Just tired and alone again. I should get some sleep since I work tomorrow.
4/6/11
4/5/11
Holycrap Thunderstorms
So, severe ass thunderstorms tonight. Crazy lightning everywhere. My sister woke up scared out of her mind. Apparently she had a nightmare and waking up to the storm didn't help her at all. She's laying in my bed now while I'm on the laptop, so I'm hoping she'll feel a bit safer.
Well, Sunday turned out alright. Had lunch at the mall with my friend Kelly, bought Alan Wake for the 360, and then went to go see Red Riding Hood. Interesting take on the old story, but it was a bit too dull for my liking. Kelly gave me the impression that she enjoyed it. Personally I'm not too sure. Then she was nice enough to let me go job hunting. We went to a couple of places that said they were hiring, but all I ended up getting were applications. So we came back to my place for a bit and talked a bit before she had to go. Even if I don't have much of a social life, it's not so bad when you actually get to see people you care about.
After that, I took a nap and then played my new game. I must say, I love and hate psychological horror games with a passion. On one hand, they're in-depth and the character development is well done for the most part, and the story plays out well. Then on the other hand, there's that feeling of annoyance that you get when there's a certain part you just can't get past and you keep failing at it until you finally manage to pass it or give up. Maybe that's just me. Hell, it probably is with the way I'm going.
I've stayed up too long as is. My parents are probably going to yell at me for being awake. Fuck terrible sleeping patterns and not wanting sleep.
Well, Sunday turned out alright. Had lunch at the mall with my friend Kelly, bought Alan Wake for the 360, and then went to go see Red Riding Hood. Interesting take on the old story, but it was a bit too dull for my liking. Kelly gave me the impression that she enjoyed it. Personally I'm not too sure. Then she was nice enough to let me go job hunting. We went to a couple of places that said they were hiring, but all I ended up getting were applications. So we came back to my place for a bit and talked a bit before she had to go. Even if I don't have much of a social life, it's not so bad when you actually get to see people you care about.
After that, I took a nap and then played my new game. I must say, I love and hate psychological horror games with a passion. On one hand, they're in-depth and the character development is well done for the most part, and the story plays out well. Then on the other hand, there's that feeling of annoyance that you get when there's a certain part you just can't get past and you keep failing at it until you finally manage to pass it or give up. Maybe that's just me. Hell, it probably is with the way I'm going.
I've stayed up too long as is. My parents are probably going to yell at me for being awake. Fuck terrible sleeping patterns and not wanting sleep.
4/3/11
Another late night.
So, babysitting was... Bleh. I can't even begin to start. I want to kick my parents around so much. So they leave early for dinner around 5PM or so. Didn't bother leaving us anything for our own dinner, so I was nice and ordered pizza for me and Layna around 7PM. After a few hours, I was playing Halo Reach on the 360 when I hear her screaming my name and find her sprawled out on her bed with vomit on the floor. I happened to step and slip in said vomit. Not fun when you have regurgitated pizza all over your pants. I gave her some pepto-bismol, and by that I mean forced it down her throat despite the chalk taste, and then switched clothes and took a relaxing shower.
I don't know what I did to piss off whatever Almighty being there is out there, but the power went out. Shower in the dark right when the water gets cold isn't the best case scenario by far. I felt around for the knobs to turn off the water and made it out into the bathroom safely. By the time I got dressed, my parents finally came home and started arguing about my father.
Well I'm sure this would've came up eventually, but now is a better time than any.
My father is dead. He died April 2nd, 1998. My step-father Alan always takes her out on this day to distract her from thinking about it, but it always ends up in a fight because he wants her to forget him. It's not really that easy. I was only 6 years old then, and I don't remember much. Actually, I can't remember anything before he died. My earliest memory is my mother crying as a man in a suit had his arm around her and her telling me that my dad died in a fire. I think it was a detective, but I'm not sure. Of course she's remarried and started up this new family of ours. Every year though, she always has to remember this. I've always guessed it was her own personal way of a memorial for him since the body was burned to unidentifiable ashes. They buried a coffin for him too but she could never go there. She never told me anything about the fire either, but I don't bother her with it out of respect.
It winded down after I got Alan to back off of her case as I've done with recent years. He's not entirely a bad guy, but a slight temper can get the better of him. After that I just put on some music and relaxed. I thought about becoming a firefighter one time, putting out fires in forests with the water hose thing they use and saving lives. Never quite sat well for me considering what happened.
So I'm awake at a reasonable time this morning. Had breakfast, and try to make some plans with friends today and maybe coerce them into getting them to take me job hunting for an hour if I can. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'll probably go on another walk to help clear my head from yesterday before anything else.
I don't know what I did to piss off whatever Almighty being there is out there, but the power went out. Shower in the dark right when the water gets cold isn't the best case scenario by far. I felt around for the knobs to turn off the water and made it out into the bathroom safely. By the time I got dressed, my parents finally came home and started arguing about my father.
Well I'm sure this would've came up eventually, but now is a better time than any.
My father is dead. He died April 2nd, 1998. My step-father Alan always takes her out on this day to distract her from thinking about it, but it always ends up in a fight because he wants her to forget him. It's not really that easy. I was only 6 years old then, and I don't remember much. Actually, I can't remember anything before he died. My earliest memory is my mother crying as a man in a suit had his arm around her and her telling me that my dad died in a fire. I think it was a detective, but I'm not sure. Of course she's remarried and started up this new family of ours. Every year though, she always has to remember this. I've always guessed it was her own personal way of a memorial for him since the body was burned to unidentifiable ashes. They buried a coffin for him too but she could never go there. She never told me anything about the fire either, but I don't bother her with it out of respect.
It winded down after I got Alan to back off of her case as I've done with recent years. He's not entirely a bad guy, but a slight temper can get the better of him. After that I just put on some music and relaxed. I thought about becoming a firefighter one time, putting out fires in forests with the water hose thing they use and saving lives. Never quite sat well for me considering what happened.
So I'm awake at a reasonable time this morning. Had breakfast, and try to make some plans with friends today and maybe coerce them into getting them to take me job hunting for an hour if I can. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'll probably go on another walk to help clear my head from yesterday before anything else.
4/2/11
Late nights before work suck.
I must be determined to do this. I must be determined to do this. I must be determined to do this.
Oh yeah, update on that walk. I took my camera with me and took some pictures of the area I live in, namely around the gazebo. I apologize if any of the pictures are blurry.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11878.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11879.jpg
This is that little gazebo thing I was talking about. It's in the middle of the circle of houses that border the place. Usually people just read there or have their kids play on it, but when no one's around it's easy to relax and focus.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11876.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11877.jpg
That's one of the walkways leading up to it. They have small signs at the start of those to warn people that it gets slippery when it rains. Nearly busted my ass on that thing more than a few times.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11874.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11880.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11883.jpg
I really did mean that where I live is a giant canopy. Very nice to have with the hot spring and summer weather.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11886.jpg
And there's the exit of the place. It just gives me more of a secure feeling the way this area is. Closed in, sheltered. You get my drift.
So there's that. Now for the title. I always have that problem where I can't sleep the day before I have to work. Luckily, I don't work till the afternoon. Sadly, I sleep till then most the time. My mother wants me to babysit my sister tonight while her and the step-dad go out. Not like I was planning anything. Didn't do much today either except hang out with a friend of mine. I don't even know what to really do right now. Where should I start? What should I try for? Might go job hunting tomorrow to see if I can get paid slightly better. I really don't care what the work is. I just need the money. When I mentioned that to one of my friends yesterday, he suggested prostitution to me of all things. Honestly I don't think the market for a man-whore is in demand around here, even if that crossed my mind.
And again, a man needs to look good shirtless. I don't think I'm terrible-looking, but still. I always think that you'd have to be one of those well-built men with abs and biceps who has good endurance.I have that last part, but that's aside the point. Anyone out there have ideas? Obviously I'm starting to over-think that a little.
...I really should sleep.
Oh yeah, update on that walk. I took my camera with me and took some pictures of the area I live in, namely around the gazebo. I apologize if any of the pictures are blurry.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11878.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11879.jpg
This is that little gazebo thing I was talking about. It's in the middle of the circle of houses that border the place. Usually people just read there or have their kids play on it, but when no one's around it's easy to relax and focus.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11876.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11877.jpg
That's one of the walkways leading up to it. They have small signs at the start of those to warn people that it gets slippery when it rains. Nearly busted my ass on that thing more than a few times.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11874.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11880.jpg
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11883.jpg
I really did mean that where I live is a giant canopy. Very nice to have with the hot spring and summer weather.
http://i1142.photobucket.com/albums/n617/AidenForrester/SDC11886.jpg
And there's the exit of the place. It just gives me more of a secure feeling the way this area is. Closed in, sheltered. You get my drift.
So there's that. Now for the title. I always have that problem where I can't sleep the day before I have to work. Luckily, I don't work till the afternoon. Sadly, I sleep till then most the time. My mother wants me to babysit my sister tonight while her and the step-dad go out. Not like I was planning anything. Didn't do much today either except hang out with a friend of mine. I don't even know what to really do right now. Where should I start? What should I try for? Might go job hunting tomorrow to see if I can get paid slightly better. I really don't care what the work is. I just need the money. When I mentioned that to one of my friends yesterday, he suggested prostitution to me of all things. Honestly I don't think the market for a man-whore is in demand around here, even if that crossed my mind.
And again, a man needs to look good shirtless. I don't think I'm terrible-looking, but still. I always think that you'd have to be one of those well-built men with abs and biceps who has good endurance.
...I really should sleep.
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