So I went to go hang out with friends today, but they never showed up. Some fucking friends they are. It just got worse from there. My mother and step-dad had gone out to socialize like me, and they actually have people to talk to and enjoy time with. They offered me to join them and wait till they were done to get home, but I didn't feel like being socially awkward for however many hours until they actually decided to leave. I fucking hate being in areas where I clearly don't belong nor want to be in. I'm sorry. I'm not at the point in life where I don't feel craptastic about not being in college, or for even having a life in the first place. I'm just a waste of space that no one really cares about here. So I had no ride, no money, and I was alone. So I walked home. The entire two hours back.
I began to ponder on how much of a failure I am and how it's not even worth trying to do anything in life, and that it's all a waste. Then my fear kicked in and I had a panic attack and started crying and I just... Yeah. I just don't see a point of living anymore when everything I do means nothing in the end, and I wish I wasn't so scared of dying. Yes, I'm agnostic. No, I don't believe in God, or anything else, but I want to believe there's something. Anything after this. This doesn't seem possible to me anymore. If there really was a God then there wouldn't be suffering and pain in this world. People would be happy and live on, and not have to deal with all of the pain that life brings. Being alive hurts me because I know it will end, and I don't want it to end. I don't want to..
I'm already crying and in hysterics even while typing that. I don't know. I've just had a lot of stress from other things and I've almost lost what mind I have left that's "sane". Everything's surfacing again. My fears. The memory of my mother crying. Feeling alone and helpless throughout my life. Being a failure. I try to ignore it but it always comes back. I just want it to end.
Anyway, trying to move on. When I got home I found the babysitter asleep on the couch and Layna on her bed. The babysitter's name was Karen. She was a bit older than me, so I felt slightly outranked whenever she was around. I try to be friendly to her on occasion. Personally, it's always awkward around her since this one time. I mentioned my door had no lock, right? Yeah. My mother had called Karen to pick up Layna from a half-day school one day, and I came home and found Layna playing outside unsupervised. She told me that Karen told her to play outside for a bit, so I go inside to see just what was going on.
Was I in for a shocker.
Going up to my room, I heard a scream coming from behind the door. So I open it, and let's just say I caught her with her pants down among other things. In my bed. On the phone. Karen had a boyfriend at the time, and I'm guessing she was feeling pretty lonely. Not an excuse to be fapping in my bedroom. Least not without me.
So yeah, awkward. I woke her up and she jumped out of her skin, nearly screaming before I put my mouth over her so she wouldn't wake up Layna. We both apologized and I walked her out to her car. I felt pretty bad because it was much later than I was expecting to get home, so gave her some extra money. Then of all the strangest things we embraced, and she kissed me on the lips. Just for that split moment I lost all my thoughts from earlier, completely distracted by her small, soft lips on mine. At that point I'm sure she realized what she just did and pushed me away from the car. Much as I enjoy rough play, tonight was a bad night. I headed back inside and gave her a wave before she left.
Now I'm here. Just tired and alone again. I should get some sleep since I work tomorrow.
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